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Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

 First and foremost, let me  tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours, As my
 friend, you always seem to be  there when needed.

 The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game  and you're even
 around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm  us when
 we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

 However, lately I've been  wondering about your intentions. While I want
 to believe that you have my best  interests at heart, I feel that your
 influence has led to some unwise consequences:

 1. Phone Calls/Text Messages:  While I agree with you that communication
 is important. I question the  suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m.
 can have much substance or  necessity. Why would you make me call my
 ex's? Especially when I know, for a  fact, they DO NOT want to hear from
 me during the day, let alone all hours  of the night.

 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But why do  you suggest
 that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian  meatball
 and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a  Kit Kat
 AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic  eater
 but, I think you went too far this time.

 3. Clumsiness: Unless  you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
 more yoga to improve my  balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue
 home by causing me to fall down.  It's completely unnecessary, and the
 black & blue marks that appear on  my body mysteriously the next day are
 beyond me. Similarly, it should never  take me more than 45 seconds to
 get the front door key into the lock.

 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
 ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
 debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
 completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper
 precautions are taken (water, vitamin B , bread products, aspirin) prior
 to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag
 of cheetos or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way
 interfere with my daily activities.

 Alcohol, I have enjoyed our  friendship for some years now and would
 like to ensure that we remain on  good terms. You've been the invoker of
 great stories, the provocation for  much laughter, and the needed
 companion when I just don't know what to do  with the extra money in my

 In order to continue this  friendship, I ask that you carefully review
 my grievances above and address  them immediately. I will look for an
 answer no later than Friday 3 p.m.(pre  happy hour) on your possible
 solutions. And hopefully we can continue this  fruitful partnership.

 Thank you,
 Your Biggest Fan

 P. S.
 Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I
 think may be of some interest to you.

 1. Innovative
 2. Preliminary
 3. Proliferation
 4. Cinnamon

 1. Specificity
 2. British Constitution
 3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

 1.  Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
 2.  Nope, no more beer for me.
 3.  Sorry but you're not really my type.
 4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

What are all you fabulous people's plans for tonight?!

I am on the fence. My friend Amy is having a New Year's party again this year. I had SO MUCH FUN at the one she threw last year. But this year? Yeah. I am kind of not feeling it. I would almost rather just get a really good night's sleep. Me=old.


Dec. 31st, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC)
Dear Fan,

As my close personal friend, you always seem to need me and for that I am grateful, even a little flattered that you want to suck on my orifice.

I like it when you stroke my body and unscrew me when I come in a screw top and pop me when I do not.

I can't believe that you would think that my intentions were nothing but the purest. You KNOW how hot it gets me when you stagger about clutching me in one hand while holding yourself up against a wall with the other.

1. You know that you and I are a great team when it comes to late night phone calls and text messages. How ELSE are our special buddies and the general population at large to know that we are both thinking of them at 3 in the morning, hmm?

2. I keep telling you, forgo the eating part of the evening all together. That way it will just be me and you and an empty stomach, all the easier to win you over for the evening and seduce you with my considerable charms.

3. Clumsiness: Admit, it woman. Unless you are covered in bruises, rug burns and assorted wounds the next day, you just didn't have that good of a time.

4. Furthermore: The 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely fixable. A hair of the dog, my friend, a hair of the dog. That will surely keep the hangover at bay for another day.

I want to continue our loving friendship, believe me. Do not turn your back on me, I implore you. I love you, you know that. I am your truest friend and that you cannot deny. Your answer comes sooner than Friday 3 p.m.(pre happy hour), it's sitting right in front of you. Embrace me, love me, be my very own.

Caressing you while groping my cold glassy genitals,
your bestest pal, alcohol.
Dec. 31st, 2008 11:19 pm (UTC)
This is the best response anyone could have made about this post. Ever. You win. Happy New Year!!

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